I lied last entry when I said essays were much easier to write.
We took our writing SOL today and I did horribly on it.
I can't even explain how bad it was. I don't know what on earth has happened to me.
The prompt wasn't even hard at all! It was:
"People spend too much time worrying about what other people think." Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use observations and experiences you've had to back up your response.
Eurgh!
It was such an easy prompt! I don't know how I messed it up so horribly!
I don't even want to talk about it. I can't believe it. I mean, I had one chance for this writing SOL, and I blew it. I mean, there's just no way I could have gotten a perfect score on it.
I know what you're thinking-- "Oh, she's only worried that she didn't get a perfect score? Well that's not so bad. She makes it sounds like she's possibly failed it."
But that's just it! In not getting a perfect score, I will have failed it! Not technically, no, but there's just no excuse to not get a perfect score! It was so easy. I mean, everyone has to take SOLs-- it's not like it's a test for just advanced classes. That means they were made easy enough so your average student could pass it without much effort.
Which pretty much means us students in advanced classes should pass-advanced with no problem, and those of us in higher-level classes that also happen to be GOOD at the subject should get perfect scores with little effort.
I'm supposed to be a good writer. Why, then, was it so hard for me?
It was horrible. I really don't even want to talk about it.
I wrote down something I didn't believe in--something I actually disagreed with.
I can't tell you why I did that. I guess I thought it would be a good way to organize my paper.
I dunno, but hours into writing the paper, I realized what I did, and I just sat there horrified. I couldn't believe I wrote such tripe. I still don't know what went through my mind that I would write that there were some pros to conformity.
What kind of Emerson fan am I? Oh the shame!
I swear I'd take it back in a heartbeat if I could. I don't believe ANY good comes from conformity. I guess when I was thinking through material to put in the paper I just didn't think hard enough. I was thinking "Oh yes, it could be good if you take into account the opinions of others, because if nobody cared about what other people thought then they wouldn't bother to like... shower... or use good manners.... etc."
But I must have forgotten all that I learned from Emerson. How could I so easily have forgotten that? It doesn't make any sense to me.
I've never had any problem writing what I thought before. I always had opinions on things, and they were well-reasoned opinions too. I knew what I thought about things and I knew why I thought that way.
Now... I don't even feel like myself. I don't know where my head is most of the time. I pretty much just feel numb at school. I sit there and think. Except I'm not even really thinking, because at least by thinking I would probably accomplish something even if I had nothing to show for it. I just don't even really feel alive. I don't think I'm mentally even there in class, and yet I couldn't tell you where I was or what I spend my time thinking about because I just can't recall it. You'd think that if I'm not paying attention in class then I'm at least doing/thinking something worthwhile, right? I must not be if I can't remember.
I don't feel like doing anything either. I plop down in my chair and sometimes I can't even bring myself to pick up my purse and take my pencil out, or get out some paper. I've had class periods where I just sat there all class period doing nothing. Not listening, not writing anything, not sleeping, not talking to friends, not even really thinking.
Of course, it's the biggest waste of time. I know it's incredibly stupid of me to use my time like that. I know it as I sit there. Sometimes I think, "I should probably do something... anything... Then again, nevermind... I'd rather not... u.u"
And that's just weird. I'm like completely without motivation. I just don't care anymore. Why don't I care? I want to care, but I don't. It's so confusing. I just don't know anything anymore.
~*~
By the way, Ministry of Magic has come out with another new song!!!!!!!! (Which is like the most exciting thing that has happened since... the last time I found out they came out with a new song.) It's called "Old Enough to Die" and it's kind of sad, but mostly it's brilliant.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=158059699
Man that song gives me chills. I don't know what it is about Ministry of Magic, but their music is phenomenal. Snape vs. Snape is so moving, I've almost cried from it, and now this song. Oh my gosh, it's scary. It takes me right back to when I was freaking out, reading that chapter in Deathly Hallows. That chapter was SO intense, and the song just captures the thrill and the fear and the suspense in it.
Whhhhy?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Posted by Tory at 8:18 PM
Labels: Ministry of Magic, Writing SOL
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5 comments:
So much for not talking about it...
I guess you'll just have to grunt through the weeks to come until you get your score back. Not much you CAN do until then, since complaining about it will only make you feel worse.
Of course, thats all just in my humble opinion. *shrugs*
is that an R or a V?
psh, apparently neither
Wow, what a bunch of psycho-babble! As I understand it, SOLs are pass/fail and don't impact your grade at all, right? So why all the drama? Undoubtedly you passed it, water under the bridge, history, end of story, move on with life! On these papers or writings, you choose a side and state facts that support your claims. It doesn't matter that there are opposing views, that's not what you're arguing or debating. The people who read your words don't care what your opinions are, all they care about is whether you can express yourself in such a way as to adequately convey your thoughts while using proper writing and communication skills/techniques for an 11th grader. This is a fake condition, a test, it is not real life and nobody is looking to solve the mysteries of life with the writings from your SOLs.
If you want to blog on your thoughts about conformity or non-conformity, that's great, please do. Spend time to gather your thoughts and do your best to defend your claims (you might also want to be humble enough to admit/acknowledge that there may be other perpectives that are also valid). Your sense of success and failure in your school work is distorted. Nobody is expecting you to be perfect at age 16 (much less 46) and you ought not to either.
When I was in college, I kept all of my books (chose not to sell them back) because I thought when I interviewed for a job upon graduating that anything I learned in my major was a fair game question. I was very nervous that I wasn't going to remember how to do things that I had learned early on. I was under the impression that I would study all of my books again before the big interview(s). Yeah right! Your grades will indicate that you learned what you needed to learn, that you've proven yourself. It's not a perfect science but that's the system we have. Nobody said we had to commit this stuff to memory for the rest of our lives thank goodness. What you do need to be able to do is think, reason, communicate, and admit when you're wrong...
So lighten up! Think of life as a journey, not a destiny, what can you learn along the way? And lastly, realize that there was only one perfect person (beyond the age of accountability) ever to live. The rest of us are just like you, fallible students learning from life's lessons. So, we do our best, make mistakes (and learn from them) and move on.
Thanks Dad, but I already know SOL scores don't even really matter. I know nobody in life is going to care if I got a perfect score or not, but it's the principle of the thing. Some of my peers ARE going to get perfect scores, and I hate that I probably won't be one of them.
It's like, "If they can do it, why can't I?"
I don't beat myself up over not achieving perfect scores unless those scores are easily attainable, and this one was. So like I said in my blog, there was just no excuse for me not to do well on it. The prompt was easy, I had an unlimited amount of time, and yet I still did poorly.
Okay ~ there is a message you are trying to get out here ... I'm listening, Tory, and feel your
heartfelt rejection of self.
Is it that important (at your age) to be perfect, in order to feel you are worthy of recognition at all?
You must love YOURSELF for more than perfect grades...
Your dad is right on - we may have forgotten what it feels like to be sixteen, but when perfection leads to this kind of frustration - you have not learned the lesson you are meant to discern.
Re-think and re-try... life will be throwing you "double whammies" endlessly! And that is why I'll joyfully be enduring to the end...
xo Grammy
Your dad's getting on you for a bunch of psycho-babble? Did he read his own comment? Ha ha. Well, hate to tell you this, but feelings of apathy continue into adulthood. I've often sat at work without an iota of motivation, and not caring that I had no motivation. I've concluded it's a symptom of burn-out (for me, at least) and it eventually passes. Spring break is coming... take advantage of it and turn your brain off for a bit...
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